I was upset, nearly back to how I felt when he initially passed. Here I am on Father's Day with no father of my own to honor or celebrate. But rather than let myself be sad, I turned all of that into anger. Not anger at him, Thank God, but angry at myself. I kept telling myself, that I had no RIGHT to sit here, upset about my father being in heaven, since I had not actually BEEN with him on a Father's Day since who even knows when. Clearly, as I have laid out before, that was a decision I had to make for ME, but I have truly broken myself down in the last 3 days about what a horrible person I am. That I have no right to mourn my father on Father's Day. I hope this is all making sense, as I said, it is quite difficult for me to put into words.
Food has been my best friend over these past few days, as I have been not too kind to myself, attempting to push away my sadness and replace it with a broken soul.
Cut to late this afternoon, (and this my friends is where I get a bit crazy), I opened a bag of chips and laying RIGHT ON THE TOP OF THE PILE OF CHIPS IN THE BAG was this.
A chip. A potato chip with a cut out in the middle, that to me, looks like an angel. For over a year now, I continue to see little messages, little signs that my Dad is there. And today, he showed up, just when I needed him. For much of my life, he didn't show up the way I needed him to, but he is making up for it now, whenever and wherever he can. He loved me. I am allowed to mourn him and celebrate whenever I want, which includes Father's Day. <3 nbsp="" p="">
PS. I ate the chip... don't want anyone to think I have some weird chip shrine going on now. ;-)
