2 years

Today is 2 years since the day my father passed. It is falling on Easter weekend this year. This year feels harder for me than last year. I feel a bit lost, with no where really to turn. More accurately, I have places to turn, because Joe of course is always there for me, but I guess I just don't really even know how to express how I feel.  We have had a really tough 2016 already, losing my mother in law, our Nana Moe-moe to cancer in January. I think that is probably why this week, leading up to today has been rough. We're all still struggling to accept the truly sudden loss of Joe's mom. When she first got sick with cancer, we really never imagined that this is where is would end up. She fought so hard though, and we know she is in a better place, pain free.

I am trying very hard not to be caught up in anger again. Joe and I are 35/36 years old and it seems pretty craptastic that we have had to each lose a parent already.

We have a busy day today, so I am hoping the distractions will help me get through the day easily. T ball, then the boys are heading off with Joe for a birthday party. I will be working on Easter bunny "stuff" and then shopping with Mumsy before work. Then, of course, work until close.

Seems appropriate, with Easter being tomorrow, to include this picture. This is my father and I- Easter 1981. He was so handsome (I mean come on, those Grattan blue eyes!) and you can tell how proud he was.

Father's Day 2015

For a few days now, I have been struggling with the arrival of the second Father's Day since my dad passed. What I have felt, has been, and probably will be very hard for me to express, so bear with me.

I was upset, nearly back to how I felt when he initially passed. Here I am on Father's Day with no father of my own to honor or celebrate. But rather than let myself be sad, I turned all of that into anger. Not anger at him, Thank God, but angry at myself. I kept telling myself, that I had no RIGHT to sit here, upset about my father being in heaven, since I had not actually BEEN with him on a Father's Day since who even knows when. Clearly, as I have laid out before, that was a decision I had to make for ME, but I have truly broken myself down in the last 3 days about what a horrible person I am. That I have no right to mourn my father on Father's Day. I hope this is all making sense, as I said, it is quite difficult for me to put into words.

Food has been my best friend over these past few days, as I have been not too kind to myself, attempting to push away my sadness and replace it with a broken soul.

Cut to late this afternoon, (and this my friends is where I get a bit crazy), I opened a bag of chips and laying RIGHT ON THE TOP OF THE PILE OF CHIPS IN THE BAG was this.

A chip. A potato chip with a cut out in the middle, that to me, looks like an angel. For over a year now, I continue to see little messages, little signs that my Dad is there. And today, he showed up, just when I needed him. For much of my life, he didn't show up the way I needed him to, but he is making up for it now, whenever and wherever he can. He loved me. I am allowed to mourn him and celebrate whenever I want, which includes Father's Day. <3 nbsp="" p="">

PS. I ate the chip... don't want anyone to think I have some weird chip shrine going on now. ;-)

Nearly a year, my sweet big boy, and lots of tears

During lunch today, I was telling the boys a story about a time my dad and I were eating lunch. We were eating chicken nuggets and I was dipping them in honey. There wasn’t all that much to the story, other than that. Maddox then started talking about how I was sad and cried a lot after my dad went to “live in Heaven with God”. He then said that it made him sad and scared. He asked  me, “How come you stopped crying, Mama?”.

What a question. What amazing observations by my then, 3 year old boy. It made me a bit overwhelmed thinking of those first few months after my dad’s unexpected death. It was so hard for me, and I knew for my little family as well, but being so much more clearheaded now, I realize just how hard it must have been for my boys and my extremely supportive husband. There were so many days that as soon as Joe walked in the door after work, I crawled into the bed and just laid there. As Maddox said, it scared him. It must have been awful for him to see me in a state that he literally could not help his Mama get out of. I am so thankful that he has the words and confidence to tell me how he feels.

So I answered his question… “I stopped crying because over time your heart begins to heal. Little by little.”

A nurse, when I was fully convinced I was going to have a nervous breakdown after dad passed, was a light for me, when I desperately needed. 3 years earlier, she had lost her dad. Finally, here was someone who experienced it, since none of my friends have gone through the loss of a parent. She told me that it hurts, unbelievably hurts. But that someday I will wake up and it will feel a little better. And that little better will continue over the course of the year. She said by the first year, you will have a “new normal” in your life, which includes a “heavy” piece on your heart that still hurts, but not a crippling hurt.

So here I am, nearly 7 days away from the one year anniversary of the day my dad passed. That nurse was so right. I still feel this heaviness in my heart, where at times, like right now, I feel like I cannot even breathe, but time has healed my heart. It is a new normal. We were estranged in life, but in his death, we are no longer estranged. I know better now, than I ever did, how much he did truly love me. I am no longer angry.

He was 100 days sober on the day he passed. I know he must have been so proud of himself. I try not to get caught up in the “what ifs”, but I do wonder a lot, ‘What if he had not passed, would his sobriety have continued? Would I have been able to introduce him to his two grandsons?’

I know that next Thursday will be hard. I have a few things planned for the day that will hopefully make it a little easier. I appreciate everyone’s love and support over the last year. Everyone who has been checking in with me, while I may not be talking much about it, I do appreciate knowing you are there for me. Knowing that people are praying for us and thinking about us is comforting.

Monday blues

You know that song, Manic Monday... "Just another manic Monday. Wish it were Sunday..." That is really how I feel today, except I do not even wish it were Sunday, because Sunday was a nightmare!

The boys are testing just about every limit possible, but seem very focused on testing their ability to NOT listen to anything we say. "Do not jump off the furniture." "Please come here." "Time to pick up toys." etc...

So here we are on Monday. The start to our week. Stuck inside, because the only thing that seemed to capture their attention to actually listen to me, was taking away their right to play outside. Did I mention it is 91 degrees?? Did I mention that taking away their playing outside is really a huge punishment to myself too??

So I need to find someway to recharge myself. I feel burnt out from all the punishments, the not listening, hearing Liam yell at me "I don't love you, Mama!", etc... We feel a bit loss as to what to do. No punishments seem to phase them. No TV- they really do not care. No yummy treats- they move on pretty quick. It's the playing outside that stops them, makes them think.

So, now I find myself a bit burnt even from writing this, so I will abruptly end here. :-)

Time

It is really hard to explain time to preschoolers. The boys are now 4 and 2. (Liam will turn 3 in 23 days!) Our days revolve heavily around time. I function, as well as the boys, on a schedule. We are fairly predictable in terms of when things happen, the order in which they happen, etc...

What is hard to me is when they are WAITING for something to happen. For example, Maddox wanted quiet time to be over. Mama does not want quiet time to be over. Maddox will come out and ask if quiet time will be over in 4 minutes and he has only been in there for 2 minutes... I say, he has an hour to go. He of course, has no idea what I am talking about.

I have a clock technique that I plan to implement this coming week. A digital clock, where he can come out when the clock reads a certain sequence of numbers. For example, quiet time will be over when the clock reads 1:15. He gets this concept already because if he wakes up early, he knows he can climb in our bed and SHOULD be quiet until the clock says 6:05. He definitely knows when the clock says 6:05, is he quiet up until that time, not so much, but that is another post...

Right now, Liam is excited for his birthday. He picked his theme the other night. Bubble Guppies. He is excited, we all are. The next morning, he woke up, apparently expecting his party and presents. Talk about big tears, at 6:30 in the morning. #goodtimes

We do count downs to big events. Currently we have a countdown for when Uncle Glenn gets here!! Woo hoo- 19 more days! Once he arrives, we will begin Liam's birthday countdown. He seems to understand now that his birthday will not happen until Uncle Glenn arrives.

So... anyways, my life seems to heavily be focused on time. How long until this? How long until that? After this day, Mama?

You get the picture...

It has been exactly 3 months since my Dad suddenly passed away. Having an estranged relationship, to me, makes this loss extremely hard. So many unanswered questions, guilt, memories, etc... have engulfed me for these 3 months.

In these 3 months, I have learned a lot. Not just about my dad, but myself. I have also learned a lot about family and friends. I have always heard people say that you never know who is true until you are dealing with something big. And it is true. I always knew I had the best husband in the world, but seriously he has proved to be the most amazing man. Even as I take a little therapeutic time to write a little right now, he is making dinner for the boys and ordering pizza for he and I. I have grown even closer with a best friend, who suffered her own loss as well. She has been there for me, no matter what, even today, when I may have brought her good mood down a notch by my own bad mood.

My uncle, my dad's brother, has been so gracious with his time and love. He has been so kind in assuring me just how much my dad did love me. I am forever grateful that my dad had him in his life. He never gave up on him and loved him so.

So many friends and family members have been so wonderful, checking in with me throughout these days, weeks, months. I am so thankful for you all. Please know, that in times of loss, it helps to have people thinking about you, praying for you, and loving you. ~Love and Support~

I have been cycling through all the stages of grief, as anyone does. I got pretty hung up in the angry stage, probably because of the estrangement. At times I was angry at myself. I drew a line with my dad in 2002, which was the last time I actually saw my dad. We spoke periodically through the years, and I would send cards, as did he from time to time. The last card I received from him was signed "think of you all, all the time. Love Dad". I got to thinking, what good did my "line" do. We never reconciled. My boys never got to meet him. However, the fact of the matter is I cannot live my life in a "what if" game. He made his choices and I made mine. I did what was best for myself. It is day to day though. Today is hard. Very hard. And I had one pretty hard day last week too. The hard days are getting to be fewer. I have found writing to be a good outlet for getting my feelings out and sorting through all these things.

I have learned just how important God is to our boys. God was really only introduced into our home, once Maddox started attending preschool last Fall. Since then, we have lost two people in our lives. Nana O'Grady and my dad. The boys frequently talk about what he is doing up in heaven with God and Jesus. My dad, God, and Jesus play with cars a lot and they love to swing on swings. I find a lot of comfort in those talks.

I will end this with his eulogy- pasted below. I read it frequently, reminding myself of his moments, and like Joe says, really the only things that matter now. The pain and hurt will subside, but these memories below are what I will hold onto, share with our boys, and treasure.

Life is compiled of moments. Many special moments. The moments that show your spirit. The moments that your loved ones cherish. There is a song, Moments, by the band, Emerson Drive, that has for a long time always made me think of my dad. "I've had my moments; days in the sun; moments I was second to none, moments, when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do." He had these special moments and I would like to reflect on some of them today, so that we can all see that spirit that he had.

My dad was brave. Brave in his convictions. Strong in his own beliefs, not conforming with the crowd. His Enlisting in the Coast Guard, to serve his country. But nothing beats the bravery he showed the day he ran into our neighbors apartment engulfed in flames, attempting to rescue the elderly man who was trapped. True courage. An amazing character trait to possess.

My dad was funny, as everyone in here can attest to- His love for the 3 Stooges, which his Great nephew Gavin enjoyed watching with him.  Every Sunday, he would read the funnies, and always make me laugh hysterically at The Family Circus. He loved playing games and this is something he shared with so many of us, lots of laughs, especially when he made his own rules. He was a kid at heart. While teaching his son, my brother Chris to drive, Chris was driving quite slow, so he said "hit the gas". Chris did. Too hard. Sending the car into a stone wall. Dad's response: "that's ok. You at least found the gas pedal now!" He had a great sense of humor- leaving us lots of laughs for years to come for sure.

He loved music- some of my fondest memories are singing Beatles songs as a family. Specifically, my dad and I would sing Yellow Submarine. He instilled an intense love for music in both Chris and I. Music soothed him. He could be found listening to all kinds of music- Eric Clapton to ZZ Top/ Tom Petty to The Blues Brothers.    

He was a homebody in his later years of life, but when we were kids, we went on many adventures in the car. He loved to drive, so much so, that my mother actually rarely drove the car and actually used to dislike driving. Finding new parks, trips to “Wonderland”- Major Moore Park, and Purgatory Chasm were some of our weekend trips. Singing songs, looking for punch buggies, and just being together as a family- the car rides were always enjoyable to him.

My dad was a lover of animals. From the snapping turtle he saved from the middle of the road at Major Moore Park, to the homeless, pregnant cat he brought home when I was a kid- he cared. He had a love for all living creatures. He shared his life recently with his cat, "little guy", who his great niece, Aaliyah will now be caring for. I know he is looking down, so happy to know Little Guy is being loved by his family.   

Two of his shining moments were the births of his children.  I obviously do not remember this, but looking at pictures of him after both Chris and I were born, his joy, his pride, and his love is apparent.    

He loved- it did not always come easily for him to express it, but he did. His mother, my Granny, and he shared a wonderful love together. It brings great comfort to know they are reunited. He and my mother's love was another strong love. She describes it as love at first sight on her high school graduation night. She calls him the love of her life- her great love. I know she was his as well. His love for his brother. The love of two brothers is an amazing thing to witness. Brotherly pranks as kids, like that box in Granny's basement that my father wrote "billy is a fart"on, are all part of the strong love and bond that they shared. Love was not a word my father spoke, but a word he showed whenever it was possible for him to do so.

My dad's spirit will live on in our memories. His spirit was strong and will always remain a strong force in our lives.

It's been a while

We have had a lot going on. Joe'a Nana passed away, so we made a trip to Massachusetts. She was a lovely woman, who was so kind to me through the years. She will truly be missed.

Joe's mom came to visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. The boys absolutely loved having time to spend with Nana Moe moe everyday.

Now here we are, knee deep in Christmas. Lots of stuff going on between shopping, class parties, work parties, decorating, etc...

I am trying hard to stay in the moment, and truly enjoy it.

Until next time.