Monday blues

You know that song, Manic Monday... "Just another manic Monday. Wish it were Sunday..." That is really how I feel today, except I do not even wish it were Sunday, because Sunday was a nightmare!

The boys are testing just about every limit possible, but seem very focused on testing their ability to NOT listen to anything we say. "Do not jump off the furniture." "Please come here." "Time to pick up toys." etc...

So here we are on Monday. The start to our week. Stuck inside, because the only thing that seemed to capture their attention to actually listen to me, was taking away their right to play outside. Did I mention it is 91 degrees?? Did I mention that taking away their playing outside is really a huge punishment to myself too??

So I need to find someway to recharge myself. I feel burnt out from all the punishments, the not listening, hearing Liam yell at me "I don't love you, Mama!", etc... We feel a bit loss as to what to do. No punishments seem to phase them. No TV- they really do not care. No yummy treats- they move on pretty quick. It's the playing outside that stops them, makes them think.

So, now I find myself a bit burnt even from writing this, so I will abruptly end here. :-)

Time

It is really hard to explain time to preschoolers. The boys are now 4 and 2. (Liam will turn 3 in 23 days!) Our days revolve heavily around time. I function, as well as the boys, on a schedule. We are fairly predictable in terms of when things happen, the order in which they happen, etc...

What is hard to me is when they are WAITING for something to happen. For example, Maddox wanted quiet time to be over. Mama does not want quiet time to be over. Maddox will come out and ask if quiet time will be over in 4 minutes and he has only been in there for 2 minutes... I say, he has an hour to go. He of course, has no idea what I am talking about.

I have a clock technique that I plan to implement this coming week. A digital clock, where he can come out when the clock reads a certain sequence of numbers. For example, quiet time will be over when the clock reads 1:15. He gets this concept already because if he wakes up early, he knows he can climb in our bed and SHOULD be quiet until the clock says 6:05. He definitely knows when the clock says 6:05, is he quiet up until that time, not so much, but that is another post...

Right now, Liam is excited for his birthday. He picked his theme the other night. Bubble Guppies. He is excited, we all are. The next morning, he woke up, apparently expecting his party and presents. Talk about big tears, at 6:30 in the morning. #goodtimes

We do count downs to big events. Currently we have a countdown for when Uncle Glenn gets here!! Woo hoo- 19 more days! Once he arrives, we will begin Liam's birthday countdown. He seems to understand now that his birthday will not happen until Uncle Glenn arrives.

So... anyways, my life seems to heavily be focused on time. How long until this? How long until that? After this day, Mama?

You get the picture...

It has been exactly 3 months since my Dad suddenly passed away. Having an estranged relationship, to me, makes this loss extremely hard. So many unanswered questions, guilt, memories, etc... have engulfed me for these 3 months.

In these 3 months, I have learned a lot. Not just about my dad, but myself. I have also learned a lot about family and friends. I have always heard people say that you never know who is true until you are dealing with something big. And it is true. I always knew I had the best husband in the world, but seriously he has proved to be the most amazing man. Even as I take a little therapeutic time to write a little right now, he is making dinner for the boys and ordering pizza for he and I. I have grown even closer with a best friend, who suffered her own loss as well. She has been there for me, no matter what, even today, when I may have brought her good mood down a notch by my own bad mood.

My uncle, my dad's brother, has been so gracious with his time and love. He has been so kind in assuring me just how much my dad did love me. I am forever grateful that my dad had him in his life. He never gave up on him and loved him so.

So many friends and family members have been so wonderful, checking in with me throughout these days, weeks, months. I am so thankful for you all. Please know, that in times of loss, it helps to have people thinking about you, praying for you, and loving you. ~Love and Support~

I have been cycling through all the stages of grief, as anyone does. I got pretty hung up in the angry stage, probably because of the estrangement. At times I was angry at myself. I drew a line with my dad in 2002, which was the last time I actually saw my dad. We spoke periodically through the years, and I would send cards, as did he from time to time. The last card I received from him was signed "think of you all, all the time. Love Dad". I got to thinking, what good did my "line" do. We never reconciled. My boys never got to meet him. However, the fact of the matter is I cannot live my life in a "what if" game. He made his choices and I made mine. I did what was best for myself. It is day to day though. Today is hard. Very hard. And I had one pretty hard day last week too. The hard days are getting to be fewer. I have found writing to be a good outlet for getting my feelings out and sorting through all these things.

I have learned just how important God is to our boys. God was really only introduced into our home, once Maddox started attending preschool last Fall. Since then, we have lost two people in our lives. Nana O'Grady and my dad. The boys frequently talk about what he is doing up in heaven with God and Jesus. My dad, God, and Jesus play with cars a lot and they love to swing on swings. I find a lot of comfort in those talks.

I will end this with his eulogy- pasted below. I read it frequently, reminding myself of his moments, and like Joe says, really the only things that matter now. The pain and hurt will subside, but these memories below are what I will hold onto, share with our boys, and treasure.

Life is compiled of moments. Many special moments. The moments that show your spirit. The moments that your loved ones cherish. There is a song, Moments, by the band, Emerson Drive, that has for a long time always made me think of my dad. "I've had my moments; days in the sun; moments I was second to none, moments, when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do." He had these special moments and I would like to reflect on some of them today, so that we can all see that spirit that he had.

My dad was brave. Brave in his convictions. Strong in his own beliefs, not conforming with the crowd. His Enlisting in the Coast Guard, to serve his country. But nothing beats the bravery he showed the day he ran into our neighbors apartment engulfed in flames, attempting to rescue the elderly man who was trapped. True courage. An amazing character trait to possess.

My dad was funny, as everyone in here can attest to- His love for the 3 Stooges, which his Great nephew Gavin enjoyed watching with him.  Every Sunday, he would read the funnies, and always make me laugh hysterically at The Family Circus. He loved playing games and this is something he shared with so many of us, lots of laughs, especially when he made his own rules. He was a kid at heart. While teaching his son, my brother Chris to drive, Chris was driving quite slow, so he said "hit the gas". Chris did. Too hard. Sending the car into a stone wall. Dad's response: "that's ok. You at least found the gas pedal now!" He had a great sense of humor- leaving us lots of laughs for years to come for sure.

He loved music- some of my fondest memories are singing Beatles songs as a family. Specifically, my dad and I would sing Yellow Submarine. He instilled an intense love for music in both Chris and I. Music soothed him. He could be found listening to all kinds of music- Eric Clapton to ZZ Top/ Tom Petty to The Blues Brothers.    

He was a homebody in his later years of life, but when we were kids, we went on many adventures in the car. He loved to drive, so much so, that my mother actually rarely drove the car and actually used to dislike driving. Finding new parks, trips to “Wonderland”- Major Moore Park, and Purgatory Chasm were some of our weekend trips. Singing songs, looking for punch buggies, and just being together as a family- the car rides were always enjoyable to him.

My dad was a lover of animals. From the snapping turtle he saved from the middle of the road at Major Moore Park, to the homeless, pregnant cat he brought home when I was a kid- he cared. He had a love for all living creatures. He shared his life recently with his cat, "little guy", who his great niece, Aaliyah will now be caring for. I know he is looking down, so happy to know Little Guy is being loved by his family.   

Two of his shining moments were the births of his children.  I obviously do not remember this, but looking at pictures of him after both Chris and I were born, his joy, his pride, and his love is apparent.    

He loved- it did not always come easily for him to express it, but he did. His mother, my Granny, and he shared a wonderful love together. It brings great comfort to know they are reunited. He and my mother's love was another strong love. She describes it as love at first sight on her high school graduation night. She calls him the love of her life- her great love. I know she was his as well. His love for his brother. The love of two brothers is an amazing thing to witness. Brotherly pranks as kids, like that box in Granny's basement that my father wrote "billy is a fart"on, are all part of the strong love and bond that they shared. Love was not a word my father spoke, but a word he showed whenever it was possible for him to do so.

My dad's spirit will live on in our memories. His spirit was strong and will always remain a strong force in our lives.