During lunch today, I was telling the boys a story about a
time my dad and I were eating lunch. We were eating chicken nuggets and I was
dipping them in honey. There wasn’t all that much to the story, other than
that. Maddox then started talking about how I was sad and cried a lot after my
dad went to “live in Heaven with God”. He then said that it made him sad and
scared. He asked me, “How come you
stopped crying, Mama?”.
What a question. What amazing observations by my then, 3
year old boy. It made me a bit overwhelmed thinking of those first few months
after my dad’s unexpected death. It was so hard for me, and I knew for my
little family as well, but being so much more clearheaded now, I realize just
how hard it must have been for my boys and my extremely supportive husband.
There were so many days that as soon as Joe walked in the door after work, I
crawled into the bed and just laid there. As Maddox said, it scared him. It
must have been awful for him to see me in a state that he literally could not
help his Mama get out of. I am so thankful that he has the words and confidence
to tell me how he feels.
So I answered his question… “I stopped crying because over
time your heart begins to heal. Little by little.”
A nurse, when I was fully convinced I was going to have a
nervous breakdown after dad passed, was a light for me, when I desperately
needed. 3 years earlier, she had lost her dad. Finally, here was someone who
experienced it, since none of my friends have gone through the loss of a parent.
She told me that it hurts, unbelievably hurts. But that someday I will wake up
and it will feel a little better. And that little better will continue over the
course of the year. She said by the first year, you will have a “new normal” in
your life, which includes a “heavy” piece on your heart that still hurts, but
not a crippling hurt.
So here I am, nearly 7 days away from the one year anniversary
of the day my dad passed. That nurse was so right. I still feel this heaviness
in my heart, where at times, like right now, I feel like I cannot even breathe,
but time has healed my heart. It is a new normal. We were estranged in life,
but in his death, we are no longer estranged. I know better now, than I ever
did, how much he did truly love me. I am no longer angry.
He was 100 days sober on the day he passed. I know he must
have been so proud of himself. I try not to get caught up in the “what ifs”,
but I do wonder a lot, ‘What if he had not passed, would his sobriety have continued?
Would I have been able to introduce him to his two grandsons?’
I know that next Thursday will be hard. I have a few things
planned for the day that will hopefully make it a little easier. I appreciate
everyone’s love and support over the last year. Everyone who has been checking
in with me, while I may not be talking much about it, I do appreciate knowing
you are there for me. Knowing that people are praying for us and thinking about
us is comforting.
No comments:
Post a Comment