Reflecting

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ENTRY. FEEL FREE TO NOT READ. I HATE LONG BLOG ENTRIES TOO :-)

I am nearing the end of my pregnancy and bed rest gives me a lot of time to think and as of late, reflect. It was such an emotional and hard process that we went through to get to where we are today. It is still so hard to believe sometimes that we are pregnant, about to give birth in 5 weeks or less!

I had started this blog during our fertility process, but found it too painful to share. I subsequently deleted all the previous entries. I wish now that I hadn't. Here is one long entry for you of what we went through.

Hubs and I have been together since high school. We met my junior year, his senior year, and within 2 months had already said the all important "I Love You!". I remember family members being nervous about how hard I would fall when and if it ended. I knew then and was not afraid to tell people, that he was the man I was going to marry. During college, we talked about how many kids we would want to have. Hubs wanted 4 and I wanted 2. At this point, we are happy with our one on the way!

When we married, we relocated to Virginia and lived with family for the first 6 months while we were house hunting. Not finding anything immediately, we decided to move into an apartment. We were there for 6 months before closing on our house. January 2008 we started to try to get pregnant. I am one who shares probably too much information with people, so I told EVERYONE we were trying. Seriously, who really wants to hear that you are having sex with your husband. Months went by with negative at home pregnancy tests. By 6 months in, I was freaked out! I really felt like something was wrong. Dr H. ran tests and found that I had low progesterone levels, which was causing me to not ovulate each month. I had to take pills each month to "bring on my cycle".

October of 2008, Dr H. performed a laproscopic surgery, a D+C, and hysteroscopic surgery. I recovered from that for one week. He cleaned up endometrious, which was causing painful menstruation cycles. There were no blockages in my tubes, which naturally was good news.

I had a renewed sense of hope. I started taking Clomid as well. Perhaps we would be pregnant by Christmas; however, that was not the case. We spent the holidays with our family, surrounded by the love of our niece and younger cousin. Also, my sister-in-law was pregnant. Please do not get me wrong, we love them all SO much. It was so painful though to sit there wondering, will that ever be us. Will we ever wake up with a child of our own on Christmas morning? Will we ever take a family picture together?

By January of 2009, I was getting very depressed. I always try to put on a big smile and "fake it" as best I can, but most people were seeing through that now. I developed a horrible attitude of "why us" and "nothing good happens to us". Dr H. suggested that month that we move onto trying an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Here they use a cathetor to inject the sperm sample directly into the uterus. They used injectable and oral medication for me with the IUI treatments. For IUI number one, I took 100 MG of Clomid for 7 days and one shot of follistim. These medications are used to stimulate the release of eggs. Once an ultrasound shows good follicles, we do an injection of Novaril. One February 1st, we went in for our first IUI! We was so excited. This was the one and only procedure that hubby went with me for. This one happened to fall on a Sunday, making it easier for him to attend. After the procedure is done you enter your "2 weeks waiting", which happens to be one of the worst times ever. I had to take promentrium starting two days after the IUI. All of this medicine was making life pretty hard. I felt so sick, experienced headaches, and horrible hot flashes. On February 13th, we found out the procedure had not worked. Time to get ready for month 2.

Same cycle of meds ensued, with our second IUI happening on March 4th, 2009. Again on March 16th, we found out the procedure failed.

Month 3, IUI on April 1, 2009--blood test on April 15th revealed we were not pregnant.

In May, I was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was given an additional regime of drugs to take. (Being on bed rest, I cannot put my hands of that information right now) In June of 2009, we did a 4th round for IUI. IUI occurred on July 3rd. That month was unsuccessful as well.

Cousin J called me during this time to let me know that she was pregnant! She and her hubby had tried for so long. She suggested removing gluten from our diets for the next round of IUI. Hubs and I discussed and we were all for it.

Hubs and I also took some time to discuss happiness and what it meant in our lives. My depressive state had taken over so much of who I was. It was hard for Hubs to watch that happen to me. Hubs was ready to take a break completely from treatments and just focus on our overall health and happiness. The meds were taking such a toll on my mind and body, and surely seeing me go through all that was taking a toll on his.

So, heading into this treatment we had fun. We went to Water Country, the beach, had friends stay with us for a week, we had date nights, and overall tried to focus on anything but getting pregnant. This is quite hard to to do when you are taking medication everyday, but we truly worked at it. Having a new gluten free diet to focus on too, kept us busy.

That month required more medication than ever. 3 shots of follistim, oral medication of Femara, and of course the Novaril. And as with each procedure, Promentrium two days after the IUI. Oh, and lets not forget all the meds for the PCOS. On July 31st, I had my 5th and what would be my last, IUI. On August 11, 2009 I went into the doctor's office for my BETA test. I was feeling crampy and my legs were sore, which typically happens before I get my period. I told the nurse that I didn't think this month was it. By 11:30AM my phone was ringing. My heart was pounding because they never call this early. Dr H. was on the other end and it was at that moment that I heard for the first time ever, that our test was positive. I burst into tears. I couldn't for the life of me, ever tell you what else he said to me that day. I sat there when we hung up in shock. I literally was sitting on the floor of our studio at work. My phone rang again and it read "Dr H". I was afraid that they had made a mistake, he was calling to take it back. But it was all the nurses gathered together to call and tell me how happy they were.

I called Hubs for over an hour. He was stuck in a meeting, but had a feeling it was good news when I called continuously. Once he called back, my heart felt so complete.

At any rate, that is a summary for you of a year and 8 months of "trying to get pregnant". I truly wish I had never deleted all my previous entries, but it is done. We are so incredibly blessed with our son on the way. Our infertility process made us stronger as a couple and I think we appreciate our pregnancy much more than we ever would have. So many people prayed for us and were supportive rocks for us, and for that we will always be grateful.

I cried writing the last 3 paragraphs of this blog entry and little Maddox is going a little bit crazy inside the belly! I guess he is trying to tell me, "it's all alright now Mama, I'm here".