2 years

Today is 2 years since the day my father passed. It is falling on Easter weekend this year. This year feels harder for me than last year. I feel a bit lost, with no where really to turn. More accurately, I have places to turn, because Joe of course is always there for me, but I guess I just don't really even know how to express how I feel.  We have had a really tough 2016 already, losing my mother in law, our Nana Moe-moe to cancer in January. I think that is probably why this week, leading up to today has been rough. We're all still struggling to accept the truly sudden loss of Joe's mom. When she first got sick with cancer, we really never imagined that this is where is would end up. She fought so hard though, and we know she is in a better place, pain free.

I am trying very hard not to be caught up in anger again. Joe and I are 35/36 years old and it seems pretty craptastic that we have had to each lose a parent already.

We have a busy day today, so I am hoping the distractions will help me get through the day easily. T ball, then the boys are heading off with Joe for a birthday party. I will be working on Easter bunny "stuff" and then shopping with Mumsy before work. Then, of course, work until close.

Seems appropriate, with Easter being tomorrow, to include this picture. This is my father and I- Easter 1981. He was so handsome (I mean come on, those Grattan blue eyes!) and you can tell how proud he was.

Father's Day 2015

For a few days now, I have been struggling with the arrival of the second Father's Day since my dad passed. What I have felt, has been, and probably will be very hard for me to express, so bear with me.

I was upset, nearly back to how I felt when he initially passed. Here I am on Father's Day with no father of my own to honor or celebrate. But rather than let myself be sad, I turned all of that into anger. Not anger at him, Thank God, but angry at myself. I kept telling myself, that I had no RIGHT to sit here, upset about my father being in heaven, since I had not actually BEEN with him on a Father's Day since who even knows when. Clearly, as I have laid out before, that was a decision I had to make for ME, but I have truly broken myself down in the last 3 days about what a horrible person I am. That I have no right to mourn my father on Father's Day. I hope this is all making sense, as I said, it is quite difficult for me to put into words.

Food has been my best friend over these past few days, as I have been not too kind to myself, attempting to push away my sadness and replace it with a broken soul.

Cut to late this afternoon, (and this my friends is where I get a bit crazy), I opened a bag of chips and laying RIGHT ON THE TOP OF THE PILE OF CHIPS IN THE BAG was this.

A chip. A potato chip with a cut out in the middle, that to me, looks like an angel. For over a year now, I continue to see little messages, little signs that my Dad is there. And today, he showed up, just when I needed him. For much of my life, he didn't show up the way I needed him to, but he is making up for it now, whenever and wherever he can. He loved me. I am allowed to mourn him and celebrate whenever I want, which includes Father's Day. <3 nbsp="" p="">

PS. I ate the chip... don't want anyone to think I have some weird chip shrine going on now. ;-)

Nearly a year, my sweet big boy, and lots of tears

During lunch today, I was telling the boys a story about a time my dad and I were eating lunch. We were eating chicken nuggets and I was dipping them in honey. There wasn’t all that much to the story, other than that. Maddox then started talking about how I was sad and cried a lot after my dad went to “live in Heaven with God”. He then said that it made him sad and scared. He asked  me, “How come you stopped crying, Mama?”.

What a question. What amazing observations by my then, 3 year old boy. It made me a bit overwhelmed thinking of those first few months after my dad’s unexpected death. It was so hard for me, and I knew for my little family as well, but being so much more clearheaded now, I realize just how hard it must have been for my boys and my extremely supportive husband. There were so many days that as soon as Joe walked in the door after work, I crawled into the bed and just laid there. As Maddox said, it scared him. It must have been awful for him to see me in a state that he literally could not help his Mama get out of. I am so thankful that he has the words and confidence to tell me how he feels.

So I answered his question… “I stopped crying because over time your heart begins to heal. Little by little.”

A nurse, when I was fully convinced I was going to have a nervous breakdown after dad passed, was a light for me, when I desperately needed. 3 years earlier, she had lost her dad. Finally, here was someone who experienced it, since none of my friends have gone through the loss of a parent. She told me that it hurts, unbelievably hurts. But that someday I will wake up and it will feel a little better. And that little better will continue over the course of the year. She said by the first year, you will have a “new normal” in your life, which includes a “heavy” piece on your heart that still hurts, but not a crippling hurt.

So here I am, nearly 7 days away from the one year anniversary of the day my dad passed. That nurse was so right. I still feel this heaviness in my heart, where at times, like right now, I feel like I cannot even breathe, but time has healed my heart. It is a new normal. We were estranged in life, but in his death, we are no longer estranged. I know better now, than I ever did, how much he did truly love me. I am no longer angry.

He was 100 days sober on the day he passed. I know he must have been so proud of himself. I try not to get caught up in the “what ifs”, but I do wonder a lot, ‘What if he had not passed, would his sobriety have continued? Would I have been able to introduce him to his two grandsons?’

I know that next Thursday will be hard. I have a few things planned for the day that will hopefully make it a little easier. I appreciate everyone’s love and support over the last year. Everyone who has been checking in with me, while I may not be talking much about it, I do appreciate knowing you are there for me. Knowing that people are praying for us and thinking about us is comforting.

Monday blues

You know that song, Manic Monday... "Just another manic Monday. Wish it were Sunday..." That is really how I feel today, except I do not even wish it were Sunday, because Sunday was a nightmare!

The boys are testing just about every limit possible, but seem very focused on testing their ability to NOT listen to anything we say. "Do not jump off the furniture." "Please come here." "Time to pick up toys." etc...

So here we are on Monday. The start to our week. Stuck inside, because the only thing that seemed to capture their attention to actually listen to me, was taking away their right to play outside. Did I mention it is 91 degrees?? Did I mention that taking away their playing outside is really a huge punishment to myself too??

So I need to find someway to recharge myself. I feel burnt out from all the punishments, the not listening, hearing Liam yell at me "I don't love you, Mama!", etc... We feel a bit loss as to what to do. No punishments seem to phase them. No TV- they really do not care. No yummy treats- they move on pretty quick. It's the playing outside that stops them, makes them think.

So, now I find myself a bit burnt even from writing this, so I will abruptly end here. :-)

Time

It is really hard to explain time to preschoolers. The boys are now 4 and 2. (Liam will turn 3 in 23 days!) Our days revolve heavily around time. I function, as well as the boys, on a schedule. We are fairly predictable in terms of when things happen, the order in which they happen, etc...

What is hard to me is when they are WAITING for something to happen. For example, Maddox wanted quiet time to be over. Mama does not want quiet time to be over. Maddox will come out and ask if quiet time will be over in 4 minutes and he has only been in there for 2 minutes... I say, he has an hour to go. He of course, has no idea what I am talking about.

I have a clock technique that I plan to implement this coming week. A digital clock, where he can come out when the clock reads a certain sequence of numbers. For example, quiet time will be over when the clock reads 1:15. He gets this concept already because if he wakes up early, he knows he can climb in our bed and SHOULD be quiet until the clock says 6:05. He definitely knows when the clock says 6:05, is he quiet up until that time, not so much, but that is another post...

Right now, Liam is excited for his birthday. He picked his theme the other night. Bubble Guppies. He is excited, we all are. The next morning, he woke up, apparently expecting his party and presents. Talk about big tears, at 6:30 in the morning. #goodtimes

We do count downs to big events. Currently we have a countdown for when Uncle Glenn gets here!! Woo hoo- 19 more days! Once he arrives, we will begin Liam's birthday countdown. He seems to understand now that his birthday will not happen until Uncle Glenn arrives.

So... anyways, my life seems to heavily be focused on time. How long until this? How long until that? After this day, Mama?

You get the picture...

It has been exactly 3 months since my Dad suddenly passed away. Having an estranged relationship, to me, makes this loss extremely hard. So many unanswered questions, guilt, memories, etc... have engulfed me for these 3 months.

In these 3 months, I have learned a lot. Not just about my dad, but myself. I have also learned a lot about family and friends. I have always heard people say that you never know who is true until you are dealing with something big. And it is true. I always knew I had the best husband in the world, but seriously he has proved to be the most amazing man. Even as I take a little therapeutic time to write a little right now, he is making dinner for the boys and ordering pizza for he and I. I have grown even closer with a best friend, who suffered her own loss as well. She has been there for me, no matter what, even today, when I may have brought her good mood down a notch by my own bad mood.

My uncle, my dad's brother, has been so gracious with his time and love. He has been so kind in assuring me just how much my dad did love me. I am forever grateful that my dad had him in his life. He never gave up on him and loved him so.

So many friends and family members have been so wonderful, checking in with me throughout these days, weeks, months. I am so thankful for you all. Please know, that in times of loss, it helps to have people thinking about you, praying for you, and loving you. ~Love and Support~

I have been cycling through all the stages of grief, as anyone does. I got pretty hung up in the angry stage, probably because of the estrangement. At times I was angry at myself. I drew a line with my dad in 2002, which was the last time I actually saw my dad. We spoke periodically through the years, and I would send cards, as did he from time to time. The last card I received from him was signed "think of you all, all the time. Love Dad". I got to thinking, what good did my "line" do. We never reconciled. My boys never got to meet him. However, the fact of the matter is I cannot live my life in a "what if" game. He made his choices and I made mine. I did what was best for myself. It is day to day though. Today is hard. Very hard. And I had one pretty hard day last week too. The hard days are getting to be fewer. I have found writing to be a good outlet for getting my feelings out and sorting through all these things.

I have learned just how important God is to our boys. God was really only introduced into our home, once Maddox started attending preschool last Fall. Since then, we have lost two people in our lives. Nana O'Grady and my dad. The boys frequently talk about what he is doing up in heaven with God and Jesus. My dad, God, and Jesus play with cars a lot and they love to swing on swings. I find a lot of comfort in those talks.

I will end this with his eulogy- pasted below. I read it frequently, reminding myself of his moments, and like Joe says, really the only things that matter now. The pain and hurt will subside, but these memories below are what I will hold onto, share with our boys, and treasure.

Life is compiled of moments. Many special moments. The moments that show your spirit. The moments that your loved ones cherish. There is a song, Moments, by the band, Emerson Drive, that has for a long time always made me think of my dad. "I've had my moments; days in the sun; moments I was second to none, moments, when I knew I did what I thought I couldn't do." He had these special moments and I would like to reflect on some of them today, so that we can all see that spirit that he had.

My dad was brave. Brave in his convictions. Strong in his own beliefs, not conforming with the crowd. His Enlisting in the Coast Guard, to serve his country. But nothing beats the bravery he showed the day he ran into our neighbors apartment engulfed in flames, attempting to rescue the elderly man who was trapped. True courage. An amazing character trait to possess.

My dad was funny, as everyone in here can attest to- His love for the 3 Stooges, which his Great nephew Gavin enjoyed watching with him.  Every Sunday, he would read the funnies, and always make me laugh hysterically at The Family Circus. He loved playing games and this is something he shared with so many of us, lots of laughs, especially when he made his own rules. He was a kid at heart. While teaching his son, my brother Chris to drive, Chris was driving quite slow, so he said "hit the gas". Chris did. Too hard. Sending the car into a stone wall. Dad's response: "that's ok. You at least found the gas pedal now!" He had a great sense of humor- leaving us lots of laughs for years to come for sure.

He loved music- some of my fondest memories are singing Beatles songs as a family. Specifically, my dad and I would sing Yellow Submarine. He instilled an intense love for music in both Chris and I. Music soothed him. He could be found listening to all kinds of music- Eric Clapton to ZZ Top/ Tom Petty to The Blues Brothers.    

He was a homebody in his later years of life, but when we were kids, we went on many adventures in the car. He loved to drive, so much so, that my mother actually rarely drove the car and actually used to dislike driving. Finding new parks, trips to “Wonderland”- Major Moore Park, and Purgatory Chasm were some of our weekend trips. Singing songs, looking for punch buggies, and just being together as a family- the car rides were always enjoyable to him.

My dad was a lover of animals. From the snapping turtle he saved from the middle of the road at Major Moore Park, to the homeless, pregnant cat he brought home when I was a kid- he cared. He had a love for all living creatures. He shared his life recently with his cat, "little guy", who his great niece, Aaliyah will now be caring for. I know he is looking down, so happy to know Little Guy is being loved by his family.   

Two of his shining moments were the births of his children.  I obviously do not remember this, but looking at pictures of him after both Chris and I were born, his joy, his pride, and his love is apparent.    

He loved- it did not always come easily for him to express it, but he did. His mother, my Granny, and he shared a wonderful love together. It brings great comfort to know they are reunited. He and my mother's love was another strong love. She describes it as love at first sight on her high school graduation night. She calls him the love of her life- her great love. I know she was his as well. His love for his brother. The love of two brothers is an amazing thing to witness. Brotherly pranks as kids, like that box in Granny's basement that my father wrote "billy is a fart"on, are all part of the strong love and bond that they shared. Love was not a word my father spoke, but a word he showed whenever it was possible for him to do so.

My dad's spirit will live on in our memories. His spirit was strong and will always remain a strong force in our lives.

It's been a while

We have had a lot going on. Joe'a Nana passed away, so we made a trip to Massachusetts. She was a lovely woman, who was so kind to me through the years. She will truly be missed.

Joe's mom came to visit over the Thanksgiving holiday. The boys absolutely loved having time to spend with Nana Moe moe everyday.

Now here we are, knee deep in Christmas. Lots of stuff going on between shopping, class parties, work parties, decorating, etc...

I am trying hard to stay in the moment, and truly enjoy it.

Until next time.

A virus that won't quit and sleepless nights

Maddox first got sick on Friday, October 11th. Liam came down with the same virus on Thursday, October 17th. Here we are one week and one day from the day Liam got sick and Liam is STILL sick. We have been to the doctor. He is having difficulty breathing, so we have an inhaler and pregnizone to contend with. He is doing well taking the inhaler, but is quite resistant to any liquid medicine at this point. I really, really, really just want him to feel better,

Thankfully, Liam has continued sleeping through the night, despite being sick. Maddox did not and it took him a while to recover from waking up at night. Last night, he finally slept through the night again.

In comes Puggie, who did not sleep through the night. I was up with Puggie for over 2 hours. He was restless and in turn being quite loud, and I could not fall back to sleep.

For those who do not know, we vowed that we would never have a dog who slept in our bed. It is just not for us. Puggie was crate trained right from when he came home with us in 2005. Cut to February 2013. Suddenly, Puggie started crying in the middle of the night. And by crying, I mean a high pitched, crazy screaming dog cry. He essentially was saying, "If you do not come and get me, I will make sure I wake up Maddox and Liam." And after about a week of that, we then had a dog who shared our bed with us.

He is a bed hog. He takes up a ridiculous amount of room for a 23 pound dog in a king size bed. He can have restless nights from time to time. Perhaps it is his allergies, perhaps it is just old age.

So to sum things up, Liam is still sick and I have not had a good nights sleep since October 10th. I find myself being very snippy and woe is me when I do not get enough sleep. Please hang in there with me and offer any bit of encouragement that you can. This Mama is tired.

I am slipping

I am slowly (or quickly), slipping into a woe is me mentality.

I am exhausted.

I have not slept a good nights sleep since Friday, October 12th. The boys have been both been sick throughout that time, resulting in late night wake ups, snuggle sessions, steam bathroom sessions, and pretty much once I am UP, I am doomed for the night.

We have had a few doctor visits, today's resulting in another "scary" parenting moment, when it was discovered Liam was having trouble breathing. A neb treatment later, he is doing better.

We have had car issues. Like so many... like one where I was essentially stranded at the preschool waiting on Joe.

We have had house issues. Like new windows to be installed. Like a ceiling exhaust fan that completely crapped out. And tonight, the discovery of a leak?? around the AC vent in Liam's room.

The boy's have been difficult. Difficult may not even begin to cover it. First we had about 9 days of downpour rain and they have also been sick, so we have been pretty confined to the indoors. Our boys are not indoor boys, like not even close.

I have begun to use the word "like" like I did in high school. Clearly, I am exhausted.

We have love though. We have an amazing support system. We have 2 beautiful boys, who bring us endless happiness. We have apple crisp, because Maddox and I made some, and hey, what can't be cured with a little Fall baking.

Tomorrow is a new day. Liam has some medication now and Maddox is completely over being sick. Maddox still feels the need to be waking up in the middle of the night. I am guessing because he loves me soooo very much and wants to be with me. :-)

I will not slip. I will not be woe is me. We have way too much to be thankful for to become bitter over little stuff like this.

That's all. I just needed to work through all that night. #carryon

Scariest moment yet

At 10:28 this morning I experienced one of my scariest moments of motherhood yet.

We were enjoying some playtime outside. Liam was going up and down the slide and Maddox had set up a construction site behind my chair using part of the grass and part of the patio for his trucks and cones. I was drinking coffee, admiring the sunshine, that we had not seen in nearly a week, what with the buckets of rain mother nature had dumped down on us. I had even just 'Instagrammed" a picture showing the blue skies.

So there is the scene. One son directly in front of me, sliding joyously. The other son, working so hard on his construction site. I turn to ask him how it was coming along, and he was not there. An empty spot in the middle of his site, where he had just been playing. 

Seriously, I think I threw up a little. I jumped up. Screaming for him. I ran to the front of our house and ran around the entire way, making my way to the back of the house again, repeatedly, screaming his name "MADDOX" at the top of my lungs, in shear panic. Checked behind the garage. No Maddox. Suddenly realized, I had left Liam ALONE in the backyard, made my way to him and grabbed him from the slide, STILL screaming Maddox's name and "HELP", pressing the number "9" on my phone, preparing to make what was going to be the worst phone call of my life, to report my 3 year old son missing, the back door opened and out came Maddox, saying "I had to go pee." 

I cried, he cried. We talked about how he needs to tell me when he is going inside. I told him how scared I was. How thankful I was that he was sitting with me the chair. He cried some more. I shook for nearly 30 minutes. Even writing this now, I am shaking. 

We have nice neighbors. We all cordially say "hello". Ask about each others kids. Let each other know when we are heading out of town. No one... no one... checked on us. A midst my screams (and running around our yard like a crazy woman), which our many elderly neighbors I am sure did not hear, but others had to have heard, no one checked on us. I would like to believe everyone was at work... 

I hope I never experience that fear again. 

Fails thus far

Only 11 days into the year, and we have had a few fails.

1. Our main vehicle, used to transport our two children, needed new tires desparately. I
called around, got the best quote, and we had new tires put on the car and onto
a credit card.
2. Having vowed not to pay full price for anything, other than our parishable items weekly, our son ran out of his flouride free toothpaste, and I had to purchase at full price yesterday. It made me very sad. I did not put this purchase on a credit card.
3. We are in our slow season at work, so my paycheck has been about $100.00 less than usual per week, for the last 3 weeks.
4. We have discovered that a change we made to our dental benefits at re-enrollment time, put us under a different plan with the same insurance company, so now, our dentist is out of network.
5. After having a really, beyond words, bad night and day, I bought and ate two candy
bars while checking out at Target.
#FAIL
#tomorrowsanotherday

What a difference two years makes

We are now celebrating our second son's one month birthday! Welcome to our family Liam Noah Janulewicz!

What a difference a year makes

July 17 2009: I got my period, which officially meant we were not pregnant. It was a Friday and that night, Joe and I spent a lot of time reflecting and truly reconnecting with one another about what we wanted in life. The pain that had consumed us for so long, we almost seemed to come to terms with that night. We decided we would move forward with one more IUI, but then a break was needed. I definitely was losing who I was. I had become so sad.

Our new gluten free diet was working well. We felt really good and clear headed.

On that Saturday, we spent a glorious day together at Water Country. No cell phones...no worries...no stress. We just had each other. We spent the rest of that month having a blast together. We focused on each other and the food we put into our bodies. On July 31st, we had what would be our final IUI, which as we all know produced the son we were meant to have.

As I began this blog entry, Joe came down into the office to tell me how amazingly lucky we are to have such a wonderful son. Joe and I are truly so connected, as I had literally just begun this entry.

This year, July 17, 2010: Our son is napping in his swing and we are reflecting on what a wonderful blessing he is in our lives. A year can bring so much change. We were meant to go through what we went through to have him. It brought Joe and I closer and stronger as a couple. And lets face it, there is only one Maddox and I would not trade him for ANYTHING. He was meant for us, so conception date July 31, 2009 was when we were meant to conceive.

Have a great weekend everyone!

Birth plan?

Our little man has arrived! April 14th, 2010 at 8:52 AM. Maddox weighed 8 pounds 1 ounce and was 19.5 inches long.

Maddox's arrival was not necessarily unexpected on April 14th. We were scheduled for induction on April 14th and admitted to the hospital on the evening of April 13th. An induction was planned based on my blood pressure issues over the remaining 6 weeks of the pregnancy.

Hubs and I had attended many childbirth prep classes and had determined that we really wanted to try and have a natural childbirth. We also had decided though that we would not develop a birth plan, as we felt it can sometimes lead to disappointment should the birth not going according to "plan". Once it was determined that we would be going in for induction, I became doubtful of our desire for a natural childbirth.

So, that evening, I was hooked up to the monitors and settled in to "rest" before the induction in the morning. Dr H would be coming in that morning to break my waters and the Pitocin would begin. That evening was not restful though. I was frustrated because I was not having any contractions (mind you, I had contractions the entire last 6 weeks of the pregnancy) and I was "nearly 1 cm" dilated upon arrival. I was fearful that the birth would be an all day event and extremely nervous that it would end up as a C-section. Not to mention the fact that I was starving and could no longer eat any food- except for those yummy ice chips.

I barely slept. Joe slept peacefully in a reclining rocking chair next to me. I literally had to use the bathroom on the hour, every hour, and needed the nurse's assistance because of the monitors and the IV fluids. At 6:15AM, I started having extreme menstrual cramps. I looked at the monitor, but did not notice anything in terms of contractions. Suddenly my water broke! I started yelling for Joe to wake up. I called the nurse, who came down and confirmed that my water in fact had broken. She checked my dilation, which was now considered between a 1-2 cm.

Side note--SO weird when your water breaks. It was a lot of water!

The nurse needed to call Dr. H for new direction in terms of what he wanted to happen, now that my water had broken on its' own. Dr. H decided that they would move forward with the pitocin a little bit earlier than initially planned. During this time, I was having stronger contractions. At 7:00, with the shift change, they began the administration of the pitocin and checked dilation again...still 1-2 cm. The contractions started getting even stronger. I was trying to tell Joe just how bad they were. For some reason, the monitor literally was not picking up anything as a contraction. He and the nurse probably thought I was crazy. I was asked to rate the pain on a scale of 1-10--I said a 5. Truly, it was like a 20, but looking at the monitor I knew I would seem crazy if I said that. By the way, that contraction belt had to have been broken!

Joe asked if there was any pain relief that I would have. Too early for the epidural and they could not administer IV pain relief because Maddox had fallen asleep.

I had to use the restroom again. Joe told me that he heard a nurse say the night before, that when you have to go to the bathroom, that means it is almost time to push. I snapped at him that it WAS NOT almost time to push, since I was 1-2 cm dilated. The nurse helped me to the bathroom, where I has nothing but the urge to PUSH. I was screaming, like you would not even believe! The nurse asked me not to push and to return to the bed for her to check me. She said, maybe if you are a 3, Dr H will approve the epidural. So, she checked me and said she needed a second opinion and left the room. I cried to Joe that I couldn't do it. The pain was so intense. The two nurses returned and did a check again--looked at each other, then looked at me and said "Yeah, you are 10 cm dilated. DON'T PUSH". In 30 minutes, I had dilated to a full 10 cm!

They immediately started prepping the room and called Dr. H, who had not yet arrived at the hospital. There would be no time for an epidural and Maddox was still sleeping in his little womb. We were going to get our natural birth! I had to breathe through the intense contractions and not push. Dr H arrived at 7:45AM, checked me and instructed the nurse to push with me initially and to call him once the head had descended more. I cried, you're not leaving the hospital right?? He was not...Thank God!

We pushed with the nurse for about 45 minutes and then with the last cycle of pushes, his head was ready and I was instructed to STOP. Let me just say, that is not the easiest thing to do. Everything happened so quickly. They didn't even have enough nurses in the delivery room. It was just Dr H., Sarah our nurse, Joe and I. Once Dr H came in, I still could not push because they needed to replace the iodine cleaning solution with saline because I have an iodine allergy.

We pushed 2 or 3 cycles of pushes with Dr H and then Maddox was here at 8:52 AM. I was in active labor they tell me for 2.5 hours and we pushed for approximately 50 minutes. My writing of this story does not do it justice. I need to say too, that my husband was the ultimate labor coach. I could not have done it without him.

As many of you know, there are pictures that I clearly took right after the birth. I cannot begin to tell you the state of mind I was in right then. I barely remember anything at that point. Neither Joe nor I, remember how I got the camera, since it was in Joe's pocket, but I started taking pictures right away and shocked Dr. H. I even started instructing him to pose. I will surely get teased about that at his office at my 6 week follow up.

It's a Beautiful Day!

The sun is shining and the Easter bunny is coming...doesn't get much better than that! I am looking forward to sitting outside on our swing, reading a book.

Maddox is running out of room in my belly. His body parts appear to be sticking out of my body! We have another ultrasound on Monday. We were so spoiled with ultrasounds during this pregnancy. When and if we get pregnant again, I wonder if we will be able to have as many, especially if we conceive naturally. We are so excited to see him again and cannot wait to hear his estimated weight!! 2 weeks ago he was 6.5 pounds. On average, they can 1/2 pound per week here at the end, so I guess we will see!!!

Hope everyone has a great weekend and a Happy Easter!

Totally not baby related

...but everyone should check out Zac Brown Band's song, "Free". Even Hubs likes it and he is not a country fan. Granted, everyone should be warned, I do have a mild obsession with Zac Brown Band.

With the message of the song, when was the time that you felt the MOST free in your life? For me, it was when we moved to Virginia. It was a very 'freeing' experience...a new adventure. For Hubs, it was the same, but specifically when we were driving over the Chesapeake Bay Bridge Tunnel.

"No we don't have a lot of money, but all we need is love" :-)

Blah

Just feeling a little down today... Perhaps I am going stir crazy, perhaps it is the fact that I am getting more uncomfortable, or just the fact that the only people I have seen in weeks are my hubby, my aunt, and doctors/nurses.

I am expecting the UPS man on Monday, maybe he will come and have lunch with me for a while...at least I just made myself laugh.

Everything is all ready now. Bag is packed, emergency bottles cleaned/sterilized, and hubby even cleaned my car, so Maddox can come home in a clean car.

And that's all I have to say today my friends...

Week 36

Today marks the start of Week 36! Craziness my friends. To think, we found out in Week 3, saw our little sac of a baby in Week 5, saw his heartbeat for the first time in Week 6 and now here we are. Last weeks ultrasound showed he was now 6.5 pounds. IF I go full term he will probably be a little chunker...We love it!!!

Still on bed rest, but my blood pressure is the lowest it has probably ever been. I have always had a blood pressure of 120/70 and my last 3 doctors appointments have been 110/70! Bed rest works. I am still having contractions, some pretty big ones and the cervix is thinning out. Mucus plug is gradually being lost, which can happen in a lot of cases. Most times people do not just lose it all it once and apparently, some people never even realize that they have lost it.

I already took guesses on FB as to when people think little Maddox will arrive. Most people picked dates within Week 39, which just may be a safe bet.

Recall Alert- baby sling

I researched slings extensively before I made my decision. This sling was very affordable, but almost all reviews on this product were horrible and thankfully, a recall has been made.

http://www.parenting.com/gear-gallery/Gear/Baby-Gear-Recalls?cid=tw

Reflecting

WARNING: THIS IS A LONG ENTRY. FEEL FREE TO NOT READ. I HATE LONG BLOG ENTRIES TOO :-)

I am nearing the end of my pregnancy and bed rest gives me a lot of time to think and as of late, reflect. It was such an emotional and hard process that we went through to get to where we are today. It is still so hard to believe sometimes that we are pregnant, about to give birth in 5 weeks or less!

I had started this blog during our fertility process, but found it too painful to share. I subsequently deleted all the previous entries. I wish now that I hadn't. Here is one long entry for you of what we went through.

Hubs and I have been together since high school. We met my junior year, his senior year, and within 2 months had already said the all important "I Love You!". I remember family members being nervous about how hard I would fall when and if it ended. I knew then and was not afraid to tell people, that he was the man I was going to marry. During college, we talked about how many kids we would want to have. Hubs wanted 4 and I wanted 2. At this point, we are happy with our one on the way!

When we married, we relocated to Virginia and lived with family for the first 6 months while we were house hunting. Not finding anything immediately, we decided to move into an apartment. We were there for 6 months before closing on our house. January 2008 we started to try to get pregnant. I am one who shares probably too much information with people, so I told EVERYONE we were trying. Seriously, who really wants to hear that you are having sex with your husband. Months went by with negative at home pregnancy tests. By 6 months in, I was freaked out! I really felt like something was wrong. Dr H. ran tests and found that I had low progesterone levels, which was causing me to not ovulate each month. I had to take pills each month to "bring on my cycle".

October of 2008, Dr H. performed a laproscopic surgery, a D+C, and hysteroscopic surgery. I recovered from that for one week. He cleaned up endometrious, which was causing painful menstruation cycles. There were no blockages in my tubes, which naturally was good news.

I had a renewed sense of hope. I started taking Clomid as well. Perhaps we would be pregnant by Christmas; however, that was not the case. We spent the holidays with our family, surrounded by the love of our niece and younger cousin. Also, my sister-in-law was pregnant. Please do not get me wrong, we love them all SO much. It was so painful though to sit there wondering, will that ever be us. Will we ever wake up with a child of our own on Christmas morning? Will we ever take a family picture together?

By January of 2009, I was getting very depressed. I always try to put on a big smile and "fake it" as best I can, but most people were seeing through that now. I developed a horrible attitude of "why us" and "nothing good happens to us". Dr H. suggested that month that we move onto trying an IUI (Intrauterine Insemination). Here they use a cathetor to inject the sperm sample directly into the uterus. They used injectable and oral medication for me with the IUI treatments. For IUI number one, I took 100 MG of Clomid for 7 days and one shot of follistim. These medications are used to stimulate the release of eggs. Once an ultrasound shows good follicles, we do an injection of Novaril. One February 1st, we went in for our first IUI! We was so excited. This was the one and only procedure that hubby went with me for. This one happened to fall on a Sunday, making it easier for him to attend. After the procedure is done you enter your "2 weeks waiting", which happens to be one of the worst times ever. I had to take promentrium starting two days after the IUI. All of this medicine was making life pretty hard. I felt so sick, experienced headaches, and horrible hot flashes. On February 13th, we found out the procedure had not worked. Time to get ready for month 2.

Same cycle of meds ensued, with our second IUI happening on March 4th, 2009. Again on March 16th, we found out the procedure failed.

Month 3, IUI on April 1, 2009--blood test on April 15th revealed we were not pregnant.

In May, I was diagnosed with PCOS, Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I was given an additional regime of drugs to take. (Being on bed rest, I cannot put my hands of that information right now) In June of 2009, we did a 4th round for IUI. IUI occurred on July 3rd. That month was unsuccessful as well.

Cousin J called me during this time to let me know that she was pregnant! She and her hubby had tried for so long. She suggested removing gluten from our diets for the next round of IUI. Hubs and I discussed and we were all for it.

Hubs and I also took some time to discuss happiness and what it meant in our lives. My depressive state had taken over so much of who I was. It was hard for Hubs to watch that happen to me. Hubs was ready to take a break completely from treatments and just focus on our overall health and happiness. The meds were taking such a toll on my mind and body, and surely seeing me go through all that was taking a toll on his.

So, heading into this treatment we had fun. We went to Water Country, the beach, had friends stay with us for a week, we had date nights, and overall tried to focus on anything but getting pregnant. This is quite hard to to do when you are taking medication everyday, but we truly worked at it. Having a new gluten free diet to focus on too, kept us busy.

That month required more medication than ever. 3 shots of follistim, oral medication of Femara, and of course the Novaril. And as with each procedure, Promentrium two days after the IUI. Oh, and lets not forget all the meds for the PCOS. On July 31st, I had my 5th and what would be my last, IUI. On August 11, 2009 I went into the doctor's office for my BETA test. I was feeling crampy and my legs were sore, which typically happens before I get my period. I told the nurse that I didn't think this month was it. By 11:30AM my phone was ringing. My heart was pounding because they never call this early. Dr H. was on the other end and it was at that moment that I heard for the first time ever, that our test was positive. I burst into tears. I couldn't for the life of me, ever tell you what else he said to me that day. I sat there when we hung up in shock. I literally was sitting on the floor of our studio at work. My phone rang again and it read "Dr H". I was afraid that they had made a mistake, he was calling to take it back. But it was all the nurses gathered together to call and tell me how happy they were.

I called Hubs for over an hour. He was stuck in a meeting, but had a feeling it was good news when I called continuously. Once he called back, my heart felt so complete.

At any rate, that is a summary for you of a year and 8 months of "trying to get pregnant". I truly wish I had never deleted all my previous entries, but it is done. We are so incredibly blessed with our son on the way. Our infertility process made us stronger as a couple and I think we appreciate our pregnancy much more than we ever would have. So many people prayed for us and were supportive rocks for us, and for that we will always be grateful.

I cried writing the last 3 paragraphs of this blog entry and little Maddox is going a little bit crazy inside the belly! I guess he is trying to tell me, "it's all alright now Mama, I'm here".